Test Of Humanity - Attempt #3

So I've done the course twice before, last night making it #3. Each time I encounter an issue that leaves me loving it more and fearing it.
My first excursion was with the PACA Sunday ride, great ride racing down 'Rattle & Hum', eating dust of rider ahead. Came up on the turn/compression following that stretch of down and launched in the proverbial 'rhubarb' ... and ACTUAL rhubarb which is remarkably soft. After gathering the assistance of the laughing riders behind me, since I was head-first downhill on my back, I proceeded to complete the loop with not too many issues other than a new purple stain on my shirt and some more scratches/bruises on my body.

Adventure #2 was a sweaty hot day that we just couldn't bring ourselves on a normal Campbell's after work ride. My wife and I headed up to 'Test', her for an introduction, me for retribution. After going in circles trying to find our way (I had forgotten the route and was not aided by the signage) we make off the same trails and onto the proper ones. I knew something was amiss right from the start because my wife was just tailing me closer than normal. Probably the lack of food that day. Everything is going fine until we reach 'The Chicane' and I try to put some distance between us. In my current mental mal-focused state, I neglected to lower my dropper-seatpost and railed the first berm saddle to tailbone. I spotted a rock in the berm that I though I should try to scoop out with my wheel at full speed and drive it into the trail further down with my shoulder. This was a terrible plan on the behalf of my subconscious and gravity. The resulting endo-to-shoulder-plant-to-slide was not what my body needed at the time. I came out gasping for air, not because I was laying face down in some Okanagan trail powder, but because I managed to impale my rib cage with a stone and knock the wind out of myself (fortunately at the time there was too much dust to breathe). After cleaning off and calming my hysterical wife down ... hysteria with laughter mind you, we kept going. Myself limping along with an unbend-able elbow, difficulty breathing, and a shoulder that didn't like bouncing anymore. Finished the loop off without too many difficulties but a noticeably slower time on my behalf.

Trip yesterday, ride #3. Felt amazing, wife was raging to go, I was full of piss and vinegar (well, one of those at least because I was stopping all the time) all in all; ready. Flying through the start, knew the trail now. Climbing like a billy-goat, descending like a Peaty. Destroyed my nemesis berms. Took a breather at the top of the 'Lone Pine Lookout' and then headed down. On the way, my wife laughingly warns "watch out for the rhubarb". I snarked and sped up. My heart raced as I approached the 'corner of doom' and I can see the hole in the vegetation I left on my first attempt through here. I blaze through railing the corner perfectly, a glorious moment as I know I didn't each sh!t. Heart is really going now as I start hammering excitedly. See a small roller so I decide to have a celebratory jump off of it. Fail. Said roller was the hidden entry for another turn. Land so my front wheel just makes it onto the trail, just enough to make me feel safe before washing out and launching me into ... a cactus patch. After sliding on my back AND front for about 8' (probably more of a slow roll I guess) I came to a stop, again, in a cloud of dust. This time things felt 'different'. Shooting pains in my back and a tightness in my knee. My first though was 'protect the bird' so I immediately ran to its rescue. Being on the wrong side of the slope, I couldn't even move with my bike to get out of the hole. My wife loving came around the corner and announced "at least you aren't in the rhubarb!". Thanks dear can you take my bike? Unfortunately the 38lb tank is a bit much for her to drag up a dusty cliff edge so I had to push off from my current postition. Boy, am I glad I wasn't alone. My back-pack was 'chaffing' right then and I tried to remove it, but alas, it was adhered to my flesh via some prickly-pears. "Oh the Humanity" I mind-shouted while giggling at the old man pun. We managed to remove the back pack, thankfully the bladder was not punctured. Next was the shitty part preceded by "hold still, I'm gonna do this fast". Laughter and tears were shared by all, if shared means she laughed while I cried. The tightness in my knee was explained by a cactus pulling all the surrounding skin into a blanket around it. A couple of good tugs at the individual thorns made short work of it. Now I don't know if anybody has gotten cacti lodged in their backs where your pack sits so it rubs for the duration of your ride, but it sucks. Not matter how many times we stopped for another inspection to see if there were any stragglers, we couldn't find any cause to the 'discomfort'. I manned up and just powered through, ignoring the fact there was something invisible sticking out of my back catching on my shirt, shorts and back-pack. Summitted the final hill, pulled over and paused for my wife to come up from behind. When she arrived I glanced at my front wheel ... cactus again. Haunting me and laughing. I pulled the loose ones out and cut the spines that were buried deep hoping to last with 3 minutes worth of air in my tire. Well we made it to the car no problem but the ride home really was uncomfortable. I was wrong that I thought riding with a thorn rubbing my shirt was bad, sitting in a car vibrating that little bastard all the way back to Penticton was just all consuming.
But now we are home, I have a freshly waxed back and knee and one remaining thorn broken off beneath the skin. Too far down to get with tweezers and just out enough to catch on bed sheets. Had an awesome sleep.

Let's just say, I'm afraid what 4hrs of this trail might do to my body.

Sorry, no photos, but I tried to paint an accurate portrait of my experience with words. And now I am late for work.

holy crap that was long, no wonder I'm late.

Thats some of the funniest sh^t I've read all year... and I've invited you to join us in the back country tomorrow!?

A.

:-)

Don't forget your camera, there is bound to be some top shelf sh!t eating.